The First Random Thought of the Day Ever

Edit from Original: As I stated in my initial posting, I’m going to be doing some direct transfers.  This one’s older, they get better as they go.  Also, the dates shown will be the original posting date, so don’t mind them so much.  I also think I’ll only transfer two or three a day to have less reading. 

My Random Thought of the Day (RTOD) 

People who know me know that I have a tendency to randomly think of stuff off the top of my head. Thoughts will randomly occur to me sometime through the day, and I usually take the time to think the whole thing out. I decided to try my hand at posting my thoughts. I have about two days worth of thought to catch up on, and I will spread it accordingly.

Random Thought of the Day: One Year Later.

As some of you know, Sunday 20JAN2008 was the anniversary of the departing of my daughter, Jordyn Noel Ehrmann, rest her soul. I woke up today, scrambling to try to make it to work on-time (which I did), and, for a moment, allowed myself to think. My thoughts turned to my life now versus what it was a year ago, before the most unfortunate event in my life. How much has changed? What is truly different now? Did I ever really start moving on, or am I still in that haze of “Did it really happen?” I think about it, and I don’t really have an honest answer. In some ways, yes, things have changed, and I am moving forward. In some ways, that answer is a loud NO.

In the memorial service we had in Delaware, the pastor said, “There is no word that is used to describe when a parent loses a child. When a spouse loses their spouse, they are widowed. When a child loses a parent, they are orphaned. But the thought of a parent losing a child is so horrible, so painful, that we don’t have a word for it.” Look it up, there really is no word for it. And, it’s true, it hurts. A lot. And, it doesn’t stop hurting. I find myself drowning out the sounds of my feelings with games, movies, music, loud engines, anything just to not think about it. But, when I do think about it, it is the most painful thing I have ever been through, and there is nothing that can really be done about it. Let it out, hold it in, it doesn’t really change how much it hurts to know that I won’t wake up to being asked, “Daddy, can I have some cereal?” Nothing will ever truly describe it.

Now, the obvious question now is, “Well, what really changed?” The smarta$$ in me would answer, Well, the grocery bill is smaller, as well as the gas bills. And we don’t buy as many toys! This would be used to hide the obvious. My daughter’s room still is in the same configuration, with the same paint adorning the walls with the same pink stain in the carpet from me landing on the bucket and knocking it over. An amount of the belongings have found new owners, and her clothes have moved on, but her door still says Jordyn’s Room. I still play Halo2 and 3, and have moved on to Call of Duty 4, but I don’t have a cute little voice asking me to drive the trucks or play with her car on NFS: Underground 2. I still drive a Grand Prix, but I turned down the same car, cheaper, with less miles and the bigger, faster engine with a color I would have preferred because she would have liked the red. I have a bicycle now, but it feels weird because part of why I wanted one was to ride with her. So, yes, things have changed, but in some ways, they haven’t, and they probably never really will.

Emotionally, I have been lucky enough to have my wife, mom, dad, brother, sister, and a lot of extended family and friends to try to help me out. And yes, it has helped. But, there is still those times, when I am by myself, wondering what I could have done. I know where every dent in machines and walls are from me trying to close it out. And, yes, I have heard the whole, “Go see a therapist.” And yes, I would be willing. But I have a major concern: If I barely maintain when I am talking with people close, how will I do with a complete stranger? No one knows yet. Maybe in the future.

Life goes on. Things happen for a reason, as they say. In ways, I’m certain things are better. In ways, I know things are worse. And, my wonderful Shrimpy Fairy Child can’t be used as a pawn anymore. The only thing I can say is, Jordyn, I miss you. I will always love you. And make sure you are riding your bike around the heavens. 🙂

 

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